I'm Jealous...

…of stay at home moms.

I long for the day when I am able to be a stay at home mom. I envy them so much. I know the job is hard…very hard and often thankless, but it seems much more rewarding and beneficial than what I am doing now. (Shout out to the Insurance Industry!!)

I miss my daughter terribly during the day and I find that by the time I get home from work and Hubby brings her home from her sitter, I have about 2 1/2 hours with her before she is ready to hit the sack. In the cases in which she does stay awake, I'm often too tired to play and stay up like I want to with her. I used to struggle to keep her awake just to steal a few more moments with her.

Sad hunh?

I know its normal to feel this way, but it really sucks.

I know women have done this for years and years but IT. REALLY. SUCKS.

All kinds of thoughts ran through my head when my maternity leave was about to end…

What if she forgets I'm her mother and thinks her sitter, my Husband's Aunt is her mother?

What if I miss every milestone?

What if she needs something that only I know how to handle?

What if she misses me?

What if I miss her?

Crazy I know, but that's how apprehensive I was. No one knew though. I think I played it pretty cool.

Even now, it has gotten easier but I do still get the tug at the heart when I look at her picture on my desk and wonder she is doing at that moment.

Is she having fun?

Is she crying?

Is she sleeping?

I'm very blessed to have a job with the way times are now, but if miraculously our situation changed where we didn't need my income anymore (durn student loans), I'd jump on the opportunity to stay home and never look back.

For now I'm struggling to deal with feelings of guilt about not being able to be there with my daughter. I know it will continue to get easier but even that thought makes me feel guilty as well.

Maybe one day, I will have the opportunity to stay home, and I guarantee I'll take it.

Makenzie is way more mature than some of these "adults" I work with anyway.


The Mrs.